Our Son Informed Us Twenty Years Ago. . .

Our son informed us twenty years ago, during his first year at university, that he is gay. Since then, our love, admiration and respect for him have grown immeasurably, and we have learned of the beauty of diversity. He has brought us many blessings.

But we remember the shock and pain that we experienced at the beginning of our journey. Much of this was because, as lifelong dedicated Catholics, we feared that our son, who had been deeply involved in the religious activities of his Catholic high school, would be forever alienated from his church.  

We felt alone, told very few relatives and friends, and were uncomfortable in our parish activities. Sermons and petitions at the church further added to our hurt and sense of alienation.

It was a great relief and comfort to us when we discovered another couple with a gay son in our parish.  Soon afterwards, they and we attended a Day of Reconciliation for parents of gay sons and lesbian daughters at Manresa, the Jesuit retreat centre in Pickering, sponsored by a group called Fortunate Families, whose purpose is to help parents to realize their good fortune in having a homosexual child. The concept arose from the account of many early First Nations groups who believe that certain individuals possess two spirits, masculine and feminine, and as a result have special powers. They are often used as mediators between male and female community members as well as between the physical and spiritual worlds. A family who possessed such a child was considered to be fortunate.  

At the day of reflection, we were touched by the anguish and confusion felt by parents of homosexual children, largely because of the church’s position on the subject. As we were several years into our journey, we felt that we might be able to help those who are just beginning theirs.

We have found Fortunate Families to be a wonderful source of information and encouragement. They may be contacted online at http://www.fortunatefamilies.com/, by phone 585-698-6100 or mail at Fortunate Families, Box 18082, Rochester, NY 14618 – 0082. Their excellent book, Fortunate Families, by Mary Ellen and Casey Lopata is published by Trafford Publishing. An annual Day of Reflection is held every summer in the Toronto area and is a truly worthwhile experience.  

A recent offshoot of Fortunate Families is Listening Parents, a group of parent volunteers who lend an ear to other parents struggling with questions about their child’s sexual orientation; who just want “someone to talk to.”  You can communicate with a Listening Parent by phone or email in the strictest confidence. Go to http://www.fortunatefamilies.com/, then on the gray bar find “Fortunate Families Network.” Click this to reveal a drop-down menu. Click on “Listening Parents” or phone 585-698-6100, and you will find a list of Listening Parents, with a bit of background on each, from which you may choose a parent you wish to contact.  

Even though there has been little or no change in official church teaching on homosexuality during the last twenty years, we have found an encouraging growth in understanding and acceptance among the laity and many priests and religious; as well as a desire for more open discussion and a realization of the injustice of much of the church’s official position. We have high hopes for the next twenty. 

Gerry Payne
Guest Blogger

What's A Teacher To Do?

I had a visit from a former student who had been away attending university. He was very excited to announce, “I finally feel OK about being Catholic and being gay!” He told me that he had found a Church on campus that was very welcoming and obviously ‘gay friendly’. I was delighted that he had found a faith community and that he had reclaimed being Catholic and gay. At the same time, I felt very sad. Why couldn’t this have happened while he was part of our Catholic school community?

When it comes to diversity and inclusion, especially as it relates to Catholic students who are gay, teachers often ask, "What are we allowed to say? What exactly does the Church teaching mean anyway? If I introduce this topic in my class, will I get complaints from parents or administrators? What is our Board policy on this topic? Are we allowed to have a guest speaker who would offer hope and inspiration to gay students that it does get better after high school? Can I share with students that my son, daughter, brother, or sister is gay in order to help them understand that gay slurs are offensive and unacceptable, and as a way of communicating that this is not an "issue" but rather about real people who are loved?"

Most students and teachers that I have met feel helplessly caught between the Church teaching and their lived experience. Catholic education from K-12 views human life as an integration of body, mind, and spirit. Yet, church teaching states that one's sexual orientation and one's expression of love in an intimate sexual relationship must forever be separate. Catholic students are asked to choose a life of celibacy to remain in good standing with their faith community OR choose to follow their unique purpose, call, and journey as a Catholic gay person. Sometimes this means choosing a faith community other than Catholic.

Catholic teachers teach and promote abstinence for all students. However, behaviour that is part and parcel of blossoming sexuality and growth toward the commitment of marriage such as holding hands, embracing, kissing, dancing, and dating, can only be acceptable for heterosexual students. In the Pastoral Guidelines to Assist Students of Same-Sex Orientation, teachers are told that it will be difficult for young persons who are experiencing homosexual romantic yearnings to understand Church teaching. Teachers and counsellors are challenged by questions such as, "If I am created in the image and likeness of God, why does the Church place these conditions on me?"

Equally challenging is the discrimination by those who lack understanding and acceptance of students who are gay. For those who seem to enjoy taunting students who are gay or who are students perceived to be gay, their misunderstanding of Church teaching seems to act as a justification for their words and actions.

It is not enough to follow the Church teaching that 'every unjust sign of discrimination in their regard should be avoided', and for schools to bolster policies to deal with bullying. It has to begin at the beginning - with education for staff and students on the issues of diversity and inclusion. We are now on this path. The Ministry of Education has challenged us to improve student achievement and to reach every student. Schools are encouraged to ensure that all students are engaged, included, and respected, and that they see themselves reflected in the learning environment.

The Catholic Graduate Expectations are distinctive expectations for graduates of Catholic schools. My prayer is that students who happen to be gay, will indeed graduate from our schools with confidence that their purpose or call in life comes from God and strives to discern and live out this call throughout life's journey.

Diane Drouillard 

Compassion and Empathy: When Will We Ever Learn?

My personal wake-up call to my own homophobia came when a dearly loved one very close to me came “out of the closet”. He was young then, about 15, but despite all the obstacles and challenges he has had to face, is a well adjusted and successful young man.

In order to come to this position of celebration, I went through a deliberate and intentional mindset over a period of a month. For two weeks, I imagined myself as being this young man and tried to “walk around” in “his shoes” in my thoughts, as to how life would change once the decision to “come out” had been made. What would be the reaction of family, friends and professional connections? It was two weeks of real disorientation and sadness, until the awareness of a loving family and friends became clear. Indeed this is a journey that involves the whole family.

Then for another two weeks, I did the same “mind setting” around being heterosexual.  I imagined him having done this many times before “‘coming out”....because of his own uncertainty about what “normal” is. In this ‘role’ that I imagined him playing, I was struck with the phoniness of the life, the pretending that was required in order to appear like others while within one’s heart knowing otherwise.

I knew after that month of my own trying to enter into the experience of another, that for him, his very integrity was at stake and he could do nothing but be honest with himself and others, by “coming out” . This was when I could appreciate what must have been his own sense of freedom in “coming home” to himself.

This has caused me to raise some honest questions: Who says that being hetero-sexual is “normal”? What is “normal” anyway? Most expert estimates place America's homosexual population at 10% or less. Americans tend to guess that the number is higher, around 20%. Read what Gallup says about what percentage of the population is Gay.

I am left with this vital question: “When will we ever learn what real compassion and empathy look like when relating with our neighbour, regardless of sexual orientation?”

Kathleen Lichti, CSJ
Director of Medaille Retreat House

Where is the Voice of Jesus Being Spoken to Our Gay and Lesbian Youth?

In mid-October, King’s University College welcomed Jody Huckaby to offer a lecture as part of our Religious Life Lecture Series. Jody is a Roman Catholic, a gay man, and the Executive Director of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Jody’s message to us was to build bridges of inclusion in the Christian community with those who identify as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgendered. This message became particularly poignant as Jody related the story of the young man in the US who took his own life after a video of a sexual encounter with him and another man was posted online for the world to see.

It was a gift to have Jody with us and to have him share his work. Woven into his presentation were the stories of another half dozen men and women who have succumbed to the pressure of bullying by taking their own lives. In these last days, I have been wondering what other voices need to be heard. What other stories need to be told? How many have suffered or died without receiving the same notoriety that was provided by Jody and other advocates working in the field? What will it take for this senseless violence to end?

The church has a right, if not an obligation, to speak out and condemn the reckless sexual behavior of many in the gay community in the same way that there is an obligation to speak out and condemn the reckless sexual behavior of many in the heterosexual community. I am not convinced that it is reckless behavior that is pushing kids to take their own lives. Rather, it is their sense of isolation and disconnection. I am convinced many gay, lesbian and bisexual youth find themselves in situations where they feel alone and isolated. They suffer in silence, knowing they are often the subject of jokes or derision.

Who would choose a sexual orientation which may lead one to be shunned by parents, siblings, friends, employers and the church? For many, this fear is too great, and young people are often forced to make the difficult decision to live under the illusion of being someone they are not. The statistics speak for themselves:      

• Youth who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or questioning their sexual orientation are 3.4 times more likely to report a suicide attempt;
• Students harassed based on actual or perceived sexual orientation are more than three times as likely as students who are not harassed to make a suicide attempt;
• An estimated 28% of completed suicides are by lesbian, gay and bisexual people.

Where does the church find herself in the midst of the gay and lesbian community and what do our young people hear? I know what I have heard. I have heard a great deal from our bishops and indeed from many in the pews that we should actively fight to overturn the legalization of same-sex marriage and rights afforded to same-sex couples. I have heard our church leaders calling the gay and lesbian community to celibacy, regardless of their commitment. I have read far too many articles which speak about the monies and labours that the church and other Christian bodies have spent in proclaiming this message. What I have not heard the church tell our youth is that we pledge to walk with them in their moments of anxiety and confusion, regardless of their sexual orientation and the behavior in which they may or may not be engaged.

Where is the voice of Jesus being spoken to our gay and lesbian youth? Do they know that God was there when they were knit together in their mother’s womb? Do they know that when they were washed in baptism they entered into a relationship with God that endures forever? Do they know that there is a faith community of which they are a part?

I am still left wanting. When the gospel speaks so little about this complicated thing we call sexuality, where are the words that speak of the inclusive love of Jesus that is expressed in mercy, compassion, justice and integrity? The Jesus in the gospel narratives is able to include everyone at the table.

I fear the church has been complicit in its silence on the issue of bullying. How can we who are Christians speak for our youth who seem to have no voice?

To listen to Jody Huckaby’s lecture, "Social Justice and Social Stigma: Building the Bridge of Inclusion of Gays, their Families, and Allies" click here and scroll down. http://www.kings.uwo.ca/index.cfm/campus-ministry/religious-life-lecture-series/media-lectures/media-lectures-2010

Michael Bechard (Reverend)
Chaplain / Lecturer
King’s University College
266 Epworth Avenue
London, ON N6A 2M3
519.963.1477
michael.bechard@kings.uwo.ca

Violence: Building Bonds of Understanding and Inclusion

“What I am continuing to learn about violence within myself is that as soon as I start to separate  myself from the experience of another I create the potential for violence.” (Margo Ritchie csj) It would seem to me to be equally true to say, as I come to understand the experience of another I begin to build the bonds of understanding and inclusion.

Recently the issue of bullying, especially the harassment experienced by gay teens has been reported in the news. Sadly, many of these stories highlight the incidence of teen suicides. Listen to Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns as he reached out to teens by sharing his personal story.

However, on a more positive note the reporting of these human tragedies is motivating many to speak out to teens, that are gay, with encouragement, support and understanding.  (Link to Canadian Blog...”It Gets Better”.

I want to build bonds of relationship and inclusivity. To shift my perspective from concentrating on differences, that have a tendency to separate me from another, I need to view others as participants with me in the oneness of human diversity. This intentional attitudinal change, on my part, has a remarkable way of increasing my appreciation of others.

Stay tuned to the upcoming blogs which will provide a forum for hearing other voices.

Nancy Wales, csj